PIGSTY ECONOMY

Being somewhat old fashioned, although in my late twenties, I often find myself scribbling, some would say writing, my thoughts or lamentations with a pen and paper, instead of the more conventional typesetting on a laptop, desktop, or on the good old typewriter. Not that I am too slow in typing, though quite short of the average forty words per minute mark; I just love using the pen, thanks to my cute writing, and majorly on the ease at which my brain churns out words at optimum capacity when using the pen. It’s one of this churning sessions that I scribbled the topic of today’s discussion. It didn’t click at first, but as I sieved through the maze of my words graffiti I spotted it and reasoned that it’s no different from what we are experiencing in our beloved project christened Nigeria. Some might find the topic a little bit derogatory but as the name implies, it is. So don’t bother about an apology at the footnote.

We the masses, to put it more accurately about one hundred and sixty million of us, have been soiling our snouts through the grubs of what is left off the tables and kitchens of the ‘privileged’ few. We scavenge the little pieces of carrots and cucumbers, their forks and knives couldn’t handle. We then snort loudly in a falsified tone of satisfaction, when the gastric juice in our bellies has something to corrode on, while we wait for the next meal. We run a type of system that will make George Orwell smile in his grave, or do you think otherwise? We have grown to accept these inequalities, not only accepting it but preaching it vigorously, but if you think am exaggerating the whole scenario, why then do most people always end an argument with “wait for your own time.” Even my neighbors’ eight year old child has mastered the quote and wouldn’t hesitate to dish it out, every time I and her dad complain about the expanding gap in the society. His wife would then rub it in by arguing that if an Otuoke boy, who grew up without shoes, could get to the position where he not only possesses numerous shoes, for every climate and weather, but pulls off your own single pair before your very eyes and legs, you too can someday get to that position. Like a lot of Nigerians with a pedigree similar to that of the shoeless boy, I too firmly believe that one day I would be in a position to bully my employers. I believe that one day I would have to spite and posses the power to throw agreements in the bin. I will have the swiftness to increase fuel prices, while been lukewarm and leisurely in addressing its cause. I will develop a wings and stroll round the world, unwary that my house is on fire, hoping that the flames would ‘fizzle out.’

I am trying not to make this a critical analysis, but the way this shoeless boy from the creeks is carrying on; I am bound by circumstances to be a critic, hoping that his mind would remember that he left a majority of us behind at the church. Although, I wouldn’t fault him on everything, especially this type of pigsty economy which has left our snouts sore, as the system seems to be incomprehensible for him to get his doctoral brain around it. It is a system where our red and green chair Socrates can’t seem to weave, prompting them to seek an alternative in reining in the Central Bank, to see if they can start from somewhere. But before the gong was sounded, the Dan Majen Kano, with his chieftaincy attire started howling that the National Assembly wants to usurp his powers. Funny enough most of the past CBN governors, lead by the wide eyed, fire spitting Adamu Ciroma threw and screamed at us all sorts of riddled economic lingo which has further confused the National Assembly, forcing them to tread softly, or else their armory would have the Greek experience. A whole lot of us, who only understand the number one concept of money, which is the medium of exchange, are not only bothered but we do not also care, as long as we receive our stipends. I have very little knowledge on the dynamics of our economy, which I do not regret, as those who have bagged professorial degrees on the subject are also bewildered, adding little or no value to the process. The strategies which they have been preaching since independence are all theoretically right but impracticable in Nigeria. I wonder if all their theories are just plain plagiarism that is undetected, or was the concept vaguely copied or better still, over artistically adapted. Before you read this the wrong way, I am not calling anybody a copycat, though a thorough look at it would tell you that everyone of us wielding a certificate or degree, be it from Harvard or MAULAG, are all ‘copy-copy.’ Crucify me if you can, but it is the wholesome truth, that’s why a colleague of mine summarized the whole discourse when the Sanusi plagiarism issue came up in one simply statement; “if you copy from one person the society hangs the plagiarism albatross round your neck, but if you copy from many people it’s termed research.” Funny isn’t it, so when anybody brandishes his professorship at you, don’t be angry because he is just one of our ‘glorified copycat.’

I do not question the numerous theories or modules they present as a transformational pill, or whether they go to Brazil, India or China to get investors, I just want to chip in a little piece of advice, that when developing or innovating their models they should take in to consideration our cultural, religious, and political sentiments. This is because our “you scratch my back, I scratch your back syndrome” would kill any messianic model before it’s even implemented. Only when they manage this syndrome very well will we see any good intentioned transformation they seem to be preaching. Okonjo should know that all over the world, including the USA, have never been free from this epidemic called corruption, but they have mastered how to manage it, and tailored their ingenious economic models parallel to its symptoms. Unless they do that, I will always be in doubt if any of their ideas would translate into more chopped carrots and cucumbers in our grubs. Those of them who are on the sidelines (those living abroad in particular) complaining for the better part of their lives, should go back to the drawing board learn fast and cleverly our ways before trying to force their pill down our throats. They shouldn’t just maneuver their way into strategic offices and expect that we all, especially our cunning businessmen posing as half baked politicians would dance to their tune whole heartedly. They will always find that loophole to place in their suckers to milk out their ‘own share’ of the national cake. We would regrettably continue to laugh at them when they start to use grammar to cover up their defeat, handed down to them by some bunch of ghetto economists, although one day the grammar would finish and they will face the harsh truth that those of us with slippers have our snouts designed to make a neat mess when scavenging no matter how well set the table is. How else can you explain the intelligence demonstrated by one of us, when he showed that all it took was just one digit to stay within the confines of the policy and regulation, while drawing up 128 cheques of N999 million in less than one day? That was just infamously brilliant.

I believe that the Senate is still scheming their way into the board room of the CBN, Sanusi shouldn’t be bothered by this; my advice to him is to lose the turban and probably the bow tie too, and resume work in putting more effort in the cashless project, collaborating with the NFIU and EFCC in trailing questionable funds, while shunning partisan politics. Our Amazonian lady should fasten her head gear well and complete her studies on ‘Agbero’ economics and come up with a very fashionable model, customized to manage our corruption syndrome, because we are now certain our leaders are overwhelmed with the menace. Scrutinize every payment, while ensuring by means of inspections that projects, contracts and supplies are fully completed before payments are signed-off. They should know that we have also come to terms that all animals are equal, though some are more equal than others, so they should just provide us with enough chops of carrots in our grubs they pour out for us so that the gastric juice wouldn’t spill and consume us all.