Kilobytes of Love

More and more people are using the internet as a venue for conversation, but are these new encounters entirely risk free?

I am a 30 year old woman living in Lagos. A few months ago I ‘met’ this cute 35 year old guy while surfing the net. Unfortunately we have not yet met personally because he lives in Port Harcourt. However, we’ve exchanged photos, and chat and interact with each other via webcam every evening. He is very kind to me and says that he really loves me, and the feeling is mutual. Writes Miriam (not her real name) to my church’s counseling office.

However, I’m beginning to ask myself if it is the right thing to continue this ‘long distance’ relationship. Am I not letting the chance go by of meeting personally other interesting men closer to home?

Meeting people on the internet is becoming much more commonplace. Many have discovered that there is the possibility of forming genuine community or associations that we have experienced up to now. But their difference doesn’t make one less than the other. Today people can find kindred souls who share a passion or interest on almost any subject. People don’t have to feel as alone as they once did. And so applauding the use of technology to reach out to others and find connection, meaning and relationship is in order.

The internet, however, is not without pitfalls. The most important problem is the people who get online and lie about their identity in an effort to harm others. Sometimes they pose as teenagers to enter into friendships that will lead the way to the exploitation of young people. That’s why it is very important for parents to know what their children are doing online.

Another problem that may occur in an online relationship is that the person may not be entirely honest about themselves. In this case I am not talking about the molester or serial killer. Rather this might be people who dislike themselves and feel that they need to pretend to be someone else in order to ‘connect’ online. If it sounds too good to be true online, then it probably is. In order cases people may not be deceptive, but just simply have a difficult time with social situations. The internet is a safer place for them where they might not feel the sting of rejection quite harshly. We can certainly understand and appreciate their apprehension. However, eventually they are probably going to have to meet in person and will have to deal with those issues. Are they just postponing the inevitable?

There are some clear advantages to internet based relationships. Since the relationship does not include physical contact it tends to focus on the content and style of communication. You have to really listen to one another. You have to be attentive to the slightest changes in tone or feeling. It seems that starting a relationship online forces you to become friends at first, to really get to know each other before the relationship becomes more intimate. Some people engage in internet sex with people online (i.e. suggestive emails, chats that lead to masturbation). But for the most part people get to know one another. Eventually though this leads to the other parties wanting to meet. If they have been relatively honest with one another, then it’s not so bad. There’s a chance that the relationship can grow. It also means that if you really develop a good relationship with a person and they don’t exactly look like ‘your type’ well then maybe you might keep an open mind when you remember how good a friendship you have had thus far.

In this particular case photos have been exchanged (which can always be enhanced), but they have also communicated by webcam (a live video across the internet) which gives some degree of assurance that what you see is what you get. But what you are getting is very far from home for you. Can you tolerate a long-distance relationship? I guess if you want it to continue further one of you is going to have to make a move. As far as missing some chances with guys closer home……how many of them have there been? If you found someone you loved and married, how do you know that you wouldn’t miss the chance of meeting an even nicer guy?